A Slight Dash of Reality

Perhaps one would describe me as emotional. I cry in Grey's Anatomy when little Grey cant be in the room with the Evan (16 yr old burn patient going through insane procedure), Extreme Make Over Home Edition makes me tear up, and I lost it in Hotel Rwanda. I take after my mom and cry at a lot of things, blogs, weddings, sad stories, name it and I probably could cry about it, and what makes it worse is that I am an ugly crier, the blotches, red puffiness is what I look like after.




Tonight is bitter sweet. A year ago my best friend and I went to Tulita to work with missionaries there. All I want is to be back there and to see my little buddy Ashton. HE's the cutest kid ever and we bonded right away (apparently he doesnt bond with anyone so it was a big deal). When we left that Sundya everyone came to the airport to see us off after a ten day immensly life altering trip. These people are now burned into my memory. Their stories are my own now. I got to see into their lives for a moment and they are a part of me now.


But tomorrow the team is going to Vancouver to work with inner city people on East Hastings. A location also close to my heart. Been there twice on missions trips and I couldnt imagine not going if I had an opprotunity. And yet I passed on this one. The past week that is all that has been talked about. I can't help but feel a hole in my heart wishing I was part of this exciting buzz, but instead I will be there seeing them off at a time in the morning that no one should know exsits. Ten days without my best friend and our new mini best friend. I dont know how to feel about it to be honest. I am so excited for what God is going to do, but I am here and will be here. Its weird to have no real purpose this coming week, I dont have a mod class, so i am going home to get my car ready for winter (which who knows ill even see any of it with me going in January), maybe riding (hopefully this works out, it would make me happy, very happy) and a random amount of work to concentrate on that I dont even want to think about. I want to go back so bad now, all of it is crashing into my mind the sights, smells, constant noise, and the moments that imprint themselves on your mind. With all of this, I stay. It didnt feel right, I dont know why, maybe to stay home and be able to babysit my niece and nephew (who are the cutest) maybe to take a moment and breathe, but in any case whatever the reason I am still here.


I just finished a note to the Valerie and Alain who I will be staying with, and my heart again is reminded that in a very few short months I will be gone. For 14 weeks, I will not be across the street from my best friend, close enough to cry to my sister, close enough to visit Shelby and Jordan and the babies, and no where near a road trip home. It is scary to think I will not have the support system to immediately surround me. That when I break down, its just me there. No one understands the look i give when I want something, the way I eat uber fast, how I can become super quiet when I am unsure of what to do. My love of country music and all things that go along with that. My great desire for peppermint tea and how I like to take forever to wake up with four alarms.



Its the unknown that is scaring me. But I know that it will be okay, just in this moment I am not sure how to go ten days with out my best friends and how will i last four months away from everything....